Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Here's Why Flesh-Colored Pantyhose Should Be Banned Forever. And Ever.

There was a woman in the waiting area at work today who was clearly suffering, and not because she had one of those Female Business Monkey-Suits on. No, she'd added to her inexorable heatwave grief by donning a pair of flesh-colored pantyhose.

Later, my boss' boss strolls over for some input during an impromptu meeting (I crumble inside even uttering that phrase--sigh), and old girl is sporting the most heinous hose offense: hose- with-sandals. This is a woman with three, maybe four, advanced degrees. (And I am so joining the ranks of those fired because they blogged about work.)

See, it's some kind of bait-and-switch, an oh-so subtly-played trickery. One is supposed to believe that one is indeed viewing too-too solid flesh rather than a frumpy-looking leg encased in polymers manipulated and--most cruelly of all--colored in artificial hues by heartless machines.

Can we please, please make women (and, yes, drag queens and trannies even) stop wearing these sadistic, homely accoutrements? Here are a few reasons why:

1. It's not 1965. Or 1985.

2. You will never, ever be that color.

3. That's because "Nude" is not nude and mahoghany is lumber, not a skin color.

4. Come on, do you think that in nature, people's toes have a seam going across them?

5. Remember that commercial where the butt depicted on the pantyhose package "wiggled" and made a sound suspiciously similar to that of Samantha's nose-wiggle noise in Bewitched? Yeah, I thought so.

6. Carol Burnett: always, always wore them in every sketch, no matter if she was playing Eunice or Mata Hari or Little Bo Peep.

7. Because isn't pale and/or mottled flesh better than elephant ankles?

8. I don't care if they came in a plastic egg.

9. They're ugly. U-G-L-Y. Ugly.

10. Because. I. Hate. Them.

People of the world, unite against the foe, the Evil Axis of L'eggs, Hanes, and No Nonsense.

And I haven't even gotten to control top yet.

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